(self-)recrimination
by BeyondMyReach
Summary: "I don't know if I can live with myself," Iruka cried. In which Iruka was tortured by the enemy for information and broke.


Many thanks to Aori for beta-ing and for judging me for posting this so close to Valentine's Day. It wasn't really on purpose, but well, I guess the fic can be considered as semi-romantic...

(Warnings include: Implied/Referenced Torture, Self-Hatred, Angst, Miscommunication)

... okay, I'll show myself out now.

* * *

"Did you break?" they asked in the backdrop of the hospital room, white, white, and white like blood had never been split within the confines of these wall.

(Like they want to see the clear spill of red against white, a contrast that made Iruka nauseated just by the thought and which made his captors smile.)

They asked "Did you break?" because it was common sense to ask that after someone had been in the hands of Konoha's enemies for a week. They asked "Did you break?" not because they really cared about his wellbeing, but because a week was a long time for confidential information to be spilled.

Iruka never thought the day would come when he had to shamefully nod at that question.

Flurries of actions. Shouts. A lot more questions soon followed.

 _Not unlike an interrogation,_ Iruka thought and he knew all about them now, didn't he?

Xxx

Naruto visited him and Iruka almost wished he didn't. He was Naruto's teacher. How could Iruka face him knowing his failure and weakness?

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed, and almost glomped him before thinking better under the warning eyes of the attending nurse. Was she there to see if he would reveal any other information in semi-privacy during visiting hours? Was she secretly sneering at him for having been felled so easily? By now, words of his capture and his subsequent capitualition should be all over the village. "I'm so glad that you're okay! It looked really bad when we found you."

 _We_ , Naruto said, meaning the entire Team 7. His former students and - Iruka's breath hitched - Kakashi. Of course Kakashi was there. He was the one who found Iruka in the interrogation room and carried Iruka out as his head lolled against Kakashi's shoulders before blanking out.

Kakashi disappeared from his bedside almost as soon as Iruka woke up, and somehow, that managed to cut deeper than the deliberate wounds carved into his body.

"You must be so disappointed in me, Naruto," Iruka let slip before he could stop himself.

Naruto stopped his gesturing to screech, "EH?! Why, Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka toyed with the blanket in his lap. "I failed, Naruto. I revealed Konoha information that stronger shinobi would die protecting. I - "

Naruto's hand covered Iruka's, and Iruka's words halted. His throat felt tight.

"Your hands were really cold when we found you," Naruto said, his voice softer than Iruka had heard in years. The last time was when Iruka took a shuriken in the back for him. "We were so afraid that we didn't make it in time, especially Kakashi-sensei." Naruto's hand tightened. His voice lowered to a bare whisper. "Your hands are warm now, as they should be. I'm so glad, Iruka-sensei, so glad," he said. "That's all I care about."

Iruka believed him.

He just wished that he could feel the same.

Xxx

After his first week of consciousness in the hospital and Kakashi hadn't even visited once, Iruka finally convinced himself. However much he wished to see Kakashi despite knowing he didn't deserve the comfort, Kakashi wouldn't come.

Kakashi didn't need the second stain upon the Hatake Clan.

Xxx

Iruka woke in the middle of the night, despite everything seemed fine.

That was usually the first sign that something was wrong. Iruka was just about to roll off the bed to a crouch when a voice called, "Iruka." A hand reached out to settle on Iruka's shoulder, and he froze as he placed the voice and its owner's chakra.

Kakashi withdrew his hand before it touch and shoved them into his pockets. It was such a familiar gesture after what felt like months of nothing that Iruka wanted to cry.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Kakashi said. "Are you feeling better?"

"What are you doing here?" Iruka asked instead of answering, because he could handle hatred or even indifference, but not feigned concern.

Kakashi froze, his stillness sending echoing ripples throughout the room. Finally, he said, "Do you not want me here?"

Iruka's throat felt parched. 'I wished for you day and night,' was the truth, except his mouth had traitorously bared his soul enough times for all the wrong reasons to last him a lifetime. "Do you truly want to be here?" he asked instead, because he knew how Kakashi shunned his father after Sakumo chose his teammates over the village's mission.

Iruka chose himself over the village's secrets. There was no way that Kakashi could forgive him, for once again disgracing him through association.

The corner of Kakashi's eye crinkled in confusion, and Iruka remembered a time it would crinkle in happiness at the sight of him. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Iruka closed his eyes. "I disclosed Konoha secrets. I disgraced myself. I brought dishonor upon the Hatake Clan. I - "

Iruka's voice caught in his throat as he felt Kakashi kneel at his bedside. "Iruka," Kakashi called out, low like a warning, as Iruka finished, "I don't deserve your name."

"Umino-Hatake Iruka," Kakashi said, and Iruka's heart skipped beat even as it ached. "I liked it when I proposed to you." Iruka sensed him slowly reached forward to brush his hand against Iruka's face. "I like it now. That hasn't changed."

Iruka's eyes slowly parted.

"Don't cry, Iruka," Kakashi said, his expression so painfully gentle, and Iruka shook his head.

"Why won't you hate me? _I_ hate myself," Iruka cried.

"I love you," Kakashi said, three simple words that stabbed themselves into Iruka's heart. "I love you and I'm a selfish, selfish man. I'm glad that you came back to my side. I'm glad that you're alive."

"I don't know if I can live with myself," Iruka admitted, as Kakashi looped an arm around his shoulder so Iruka could press his tear-soaked face into his chest.

"Live for me," Kakashi said, pressing a kiss to his hair. "Live for me, Iruka. I can't lose another loved one. It took me a week, but I killed all the people who captured you and destroyed everything that hold the secrets you leaked. It's fine."

A coil of tension that Iruka didn't even realize was in him released, and relief settled deep within him.

"Thank you," Iruka said, the wall of denial he built since waking in fear of rejection crumpling to dust. "I almost…"

"Convinced yourself that I hated you?" Kakashi said, and Iruka nodded. "I convinced myself that I hated my father after he came back disgraced too," Kakashi said. His voice tightened a little. "But the part that hurts the most, Iruka, was when I opened the door to the sight of blood pooling around his cooling body. After that, all that was left was regret."

Kakashi buried his face against Iruka's head. "I don't want to regret anymore. You didn't break because you were weak. You broke because you were human and not the heartless weapon that shinobi were taught to be. Humans have limits. There's no one in Konoha who would blame a shinobi for fighting against an enemy to the best of their ability and losing. Don't blame yourself for not being strong enough."

Iruka let out a breath. "I'll try," he said, sitting up to wipe his tears. "I want to get stronger."

Kakashi twined their fingers together. "I'll help," he promised.

* * *

Take an angel by the wings

Time to tell her everything

Ask her for the strength to stay

\- "Angel by the Wing" by Sia


End file.
